


Steady

by hobyblack



Category: Marvel, The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Also boys are fucking stupid, Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Everyone is Bisexual, Everyone is probably cheating on someone, Multi, Nonsense
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-28
Updated: 2019-01-31
Packaged: 2019-09-29 01:15:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 7,629
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17193713
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hobyblack/pseuds/hobyblack
Summary: An important Avengers meeting is called... to inform everyone they have a weird alien STD. But how did EVERYONE get it?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This isn’t any particular verse. Peter and Wanda are a bit younger than the others but they’re in their twenties. Don’t take it too seriously.

“Okay, listen. We’ve got to have a talk and it's not going to be pleasant,” Tony said, staring at the group of Avengers in front of him. “Remember our trip to that alien planet with the sexy beach babes? Well, after some unfortunate occurances… Some of us. I mean all of us have contracted a disease. It's spread through sexual relations.”

“What the fuck does that mean?” Bucky asked.

“Sexual relations means sex,” Natasha added helpfully.

“Is that why it hurts to pee?” Peter asked.

“It burns when you pee and you didn't think there was anything wrong with that?” Tony asked, shaking his head. “Yes, that's why it hurts when you pee. Probably.”

Wanda was glad that she had not taken a seat next to Peter. She was across the room her arms crossed and sending angry vibes particularly in his direction.

“Listen,” Bruce said. “We don't know much about the disease yet. Except that it burns when Peter pees apparently. It might not show symptoms in everyone. As a precaution I'm giving you a round of antibiotics.” He was careful not to mention that he was included in the group that was in need of antibiotics. “You can’t have sex until the antibiotic is done and you've got to tell all your partners in the past 60 days.”

They were in the Avengers meeting room, like some sort of serious superhero business was being discussed. Bruce had sat everyone down and was standing at the end of the table. When he had agreed to do physical checkups on the team, this is not what he had in mind.

The group included Tony, Steve, Natasha, Thor, Clint, Sam, Rhodey, Bucky, Peter, Wanda, and Pepper Potts.

Clint voiced what they were all thinking but no one wanted to say. “So, who infected who?”

Wanda glared at Peter from across the table. Peter avoided eye contact.

“You gave Wanda an STD?” Steve said to Peter disapprovingly.

“Hey, you have it, too,” Peter said, trying to deflect the blame.

“What is an STD?” Thor asked.

“It stands for sexually transmitted disease,” Pepper said. “In other words, you get it from having sex with someone who already had it.”

“How did the first person get it?” Thor asked.

No one had a good answer for that.

“Okay, why don’t I start then?” Pepper said. “I slept with Tony and Nat. Anyone else care to disclose?”

“You slept with Nat?” Steve asked. Several males seemed particularly interested by this point.

“Wait, when did this happen?” Tony asked Pepper. “Did you sleep with her when we were together?”

“We were having an argument at the time. A bad one,” she looked down, perhaps regretfully.

“Around the same time I slept with you, Tony,” Rhodey said quietly.

“Really,” Pepper said, crossing her arms.

“I fucked Pepper, Clint, Bruce, and Sam,” Natasha said. She looked at everyone daring them to say something about this.

“Haven’t any of you heard of condoms?” Steve asked, horrified.

“You’re still infected,” Peter pointed out.

“I only slept with Nat,” Clint said. “I’m blaming her.”

“Sorry, dude,” Natasha said, shrugging.

Clint shrugged. “Worth it.”

“I wasn’t with anyone but Natasha,” Sam said tonelessly.

“So, Bruce you’re in the spotlight then,” Tony said. He was just interested in the trail at this point with the added bonus of humiliating some of his friends.

Bruce looked down at the floor. “Thor,” he said simply.

“And the trail of bread crumbs continues,” Pepper said.

“You slept with Thor?” Peter asked.

“Why are you jealous?” Bucky asked.

“No, why would I be jealous?” Peter asked with shifty eyes.

“Peter and Thor?” Tony asked disappointedly. Wanda did not look at anyone.

“I’m sorry. I’m really sorry,” Peter said. “It wasn’t like that.”

“Wasn’t like what?” Wanda asked.

“I mean…” Peter looked at Wanda and then at Thor, then at everyone else judging him. “Friends with benefits?”

“Oh my God,” Wanda said. “When?”

“It was like a month ago,” Peter said. “Not that it matters anyway. You said you don’t want to be my girlfriend anyway.”

“I didn’t say that!” Wanda said.

“Is everyone here bisexual?” Steve asked.

“Okay, as much as I would love to hear your kids’ dramatic angst,” Tony said. “I’m far more interested in why Bucky and Steve are infected.”

“Yes,” Steve said. “I would love to know that, too.” He stared at Bucky.

“I am not at liberty to disclose this information,” Bucky said.

“What the fuck does that mean?” Steve asked.

“Language,” Tony said.

“Why would you do this to Steve?” Wanda asked Bucky, who was trying his best to look dead inside. Which was basically his normal expression.

“I mean it’s not like Steve and I are together or anything,” Bucky said.

“I see,” Steve said, his heart visibly breaking.

“Boys are all fucking stupid,” Wanda said.

“Who was it?” Steve asked Bucky, who just shrugged.

Sam sighed deeply and raised his hand slightly.

“You?” Steve asked. He struggled to find more words but gave up.

“I thought this would be fun, but it kind of turned out to be pretty depressing,” Tony said.

“What part of STDs are fun to you?” Pepper asked.

“The sexual part?” Tony guessed.

“Okay, wait a second I think none of us are focusing on the important part here,” Natasha said.

“Which is?” Pepper asked.

“Peter got it from Thor supposedly. It burns when he pees. If this is true Thor bottomed to Peter,” Natasha said.

Peter shrugged nonchalantly.


	2. Chapter Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dr. Bruce Banner gives Peter a physical examination.

Peter sat down on the bed. Bruce had left the room while he changed into his gown because that was the rules or whatever. It was a little hard to take the Hulk seriously as your doctor. But now Bruce wanted to give him a physical which sounded like a terrible idea to Peter and he couldn't imagine anything more awkward than that but Bruce wanted to know more about the STD and so far Peter was the only one showing symptoms.

He knew he shouldn't have brought up the burning when he pees thing. He should have just shut up and taken the antibiotic.

Bruce came back in. "Hello, Peter."

"Hello, Dr. Banner," Peter said.

"How are you feeling?" Bruce asked.

"Fine," Peter said.

"Are you still experiencing a burning sensation during urination?" Bruce asked.

Peter nodded. "Does it burn when you pee?'

"Excuse me?" Bruce asked.

"I mean, we have the same thing, don't we?" Peter said. He didn't mention that they had got it from the same person or in this case, the same god.

"You're the patient, not me, Peter," Bruce said.

"You're deflecting," Peter said.

"No, it does not burn when I pee. You're special," Bruce said.

"You probably say that to all the boys," Peter said without thinking.

"Listen, I'm not happy about this either," Bruce said. "Do you have any other symptoms you'd like to share with me?"

"Do you like Thor?" Peter asked.

"Symptoms, Peter," Bruce said. "Don't worry, I can't tell anyone. You're protected by Doctor-Patient Confidentiality."

"What kind of symptoms are you looking for?" Peter asked.

"Any kind of symptom you have would be good to know about," Bruce said.

"I have social anxiety but I'm pretty sure that's unrelated," Peter quipped.

"Can you just tell me if anything hurts or if you have sores or pus or anything obvious?" Bruce asked. He was tired of Peter's games, obviously.

"Ew, no," Peter said.

"Can you show me?" Bruce asked.

"I don't think you're my type. I mean we're both tops, apparently," Peter said.

"Peter, I'm serious," Bruce said.

* * *

 

Steve was like, literally so done with Bucky. He had told himself that probably a thousand times over the years, but he thought maybe this time it was actually true. He couldn't believe that Bucky had slept with Sam. What's worse was now Steve couldn't stand to look at either of his best friends.

Steve was hiding in his room. Bucky had sent him more than ten text messages, but Steve had stopped reading them some time ago. His phone vibrated again. He looked and saw the message was from Natasha. Okay, he _might_ answer that one if she wasn't being too annoying.

**Natasha: You okay?**

**Steve: Not really, but there's nothing you can do to help.**

**Natasha: I could kill Bucky.**

**Steve: I'm going to ask you to hold off on that one.**

**Steve: At least for now.**

 


	3. Chapter Three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rhodey, Sam, and Steve take up drinking to solve their emotional problems.

Rhodey really needed a drink after the day he had had. Tony had a massive bar in the Avengers Tower, surprising no one. Rhodey was drinking at it alone and couldn't help thinking of that one scene from The Shining. Being alone wasn't always the worst thing. The Avengers could be a lot. And he didn't want to see Tony or Pepper right now.

Sam came to sit with him and that was okay. Sam could probably use a drink, too. He was a lot more calm and sane than some of the other members of the team. Rhodey hadn't spent a lot of time with him, but he liked Sam enough.

"Long day?" Rhodey asked.

"Extremely," Sam said. He had taken a glass from behind the counter and was pouring some whiskey from the bottle Rhodey had been drinking from. "I made one dumb mistake and now everyone knows it."

"A lot of us made mistakes," Rhodey said mildly.

"You want to know what the stupidest part of this whole thing is?" Sam asked.

"I would love to know," Rhodey said. "There are so many stupid parts to choose from."

"The stupidest part is that I actually thought there might have been something there with me and Bucky," Sam said. He wouldn't have admitted that if almost anyone else was there but unlike everyone else, Rhodey knew how to keep things quiet.

Rhodey shook his head, sipping his drink. "I don't think it's stupid."

"Did you have the same thing with Tony?" Sam asked.

"There are some shocking parallels," Rhodey admitted.

"Bucky is fucked up, dude," Sam said. "I mean it's one thing to mess with me. But I didn't know he was fucking with Steve's head, too."

"Steve thought they were dating," Rhodey said. He had only observed this information today. "Bucky seemed to not have the same impression."

"Man, this is just like high school," Sam said.

"Yeah, I remember that time everyone at my high school got an alien STD," Rhodey said.

"Really?" Sam asked.

"No," Rhodey said. "This is the first STD I've gotten, alien or otherwise."

"So like... Tony slept with an alien, then?" Sam asked.

"Are you even a little surprised?" Rhodey asked.

"No, not really," Sam admitted.

They were soon joined by one very sad looking Steve Rogers.

"Hey, Steve," Sam said awkwardly. "Can I get you something to drink?"

"Yeah," Steve said. "It doesn't matter what. I won't get drunk anyway. It's more for the aesthetic."

"You know, I don't know if it's done yet but..." Rhodey said. "Maybe I shouldn't tell you."

"Tell us," Sam said.

"Tony has been working on some super soldier strength liquor," Rhodey said. "He keeps it in the bottom left cabinet.

"Only Tony would think that was something worth inventing," Steve said. "I'll have some, though."

"He can't handle emotional support or any normal aspects of friendship," Rhodey said. "So, he tried to develop a way to get you drunk as a sign of caring."

"That's oddly sweet of him," Steve said. Sam had brought him the strange looking translucent orange bottle.

"Yeah, that's Tony Stark for you," Rhodey said. "Sweet."

"Are you sure you want to drink that?" Sam asked skeptically. "It looks kind of dangerous."

"What's the worst that could happen?" Steve asked.


	4. Chapter Four

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steve and Sam are extremely drunk and emotional. Rhodey thinks of an evil(?) plan.

It was about half an hour later when Steve realized that he was shitfaced. He hadn't been drunk since the forties and it was a shock to his system.

"You know what the worst thing about Bucky is?" Steve asked.

Sam Wilson, who had also gotten fairly plastered in the past thirty or so minutes, had an answer for that one. "His stupid face!"

Steve thought just about one of the only things he still liked about Bucky right now was his stupid face.

"Oh," Rhodey said. "Is it that he looks like he hasn't showered since the nineties?" He was significantly less drunk but had drank enough to be amused by their shenanigans.

"That's a good one," Sam said. "And his hair! It's so long and flowing. What's up with that?"

"Are we saying things we will about Bucky or that we hate?" Steve asked. "I can't remember."

"You were going to tell us what the worst thing about Bucky was," Rhodey said.

"Oh," Steve said. He seemed to have forgotten that train of thought. He tried to think through his swimming head what the worst thing about James Buchanan Barnes was. "If he was going to cheat on me, why did it have to be with you?"

"Excuse me?" Sam said. "What is that supposed to mean? Are you saying I'm not hot enough to be with Bucky?"

"Uhh... no?" Steve said. That was not at all what he was saying. "Because you're my best friend! Why did he have to ruin that?"

"Listen, I'm sorry I slept with him, man," Sam said. "I didn't know."

"I don't think you should be mad at Sam," Rhodey said. "Bucky is fair though. You know what the worst thing about Tony Stark is?"

"His personality?" Sam guessed.

"That he's a dirty lying cheater?" Steve guessed.

"That he's so short," Sam said.

"Yeah, those things," Rhodey said. Mostly he meant the lying and cheating part. "But the worst thing is I still love him."

"I love Bucky," Sam admitted.

Steve started to cry. "I love him, too. Why would he do this to us, Sam?"

Sam seemed uncomfortable with the tears, but he hugged his friend. "It's going to be okay."

"Hey, guys," Rhodey said. "I just had the best idea."


	5. Chapter Five

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thor and Wanda bond while Pepper and Tony break up and Bucky REALIZES things.

"Tony, I need to talk to you," Pepper said. He was laying in the bed that they shared most nights in Avengers Tower. Pepper had her own room, technically. But she spent most of the time either with Tony or not sleeping at all. Tony wasn't much of a sleeper, either.

"Yeah, I think that we do," Tony said. He was pinching the bridge of his nose like he had a bad headache.

"I think you know what I'm going to say," Pepper said.

"I think I do, but why don't you tell me in case I'm wrong and I embarrass myself," Tony said.

"We need to break up," Pepper said.

"Yeah, that's what I thought you were going to say," Tony said. "And you're right. And I'm sorry."

"You're sorry?" Pepper asked. "What is that supposed to mean?"

"I don't know. I'm just sorry. For being an ass. For cheating on you. For not being who you wanted me to be," Tony said.

"Thank you," Pepper said. Tony rarely apologized she knew. "That means a lot to me. It's okay, Tony. It's just... I think we're better as friends. As business associates. As teammates."

"Does that mean you don't hate me?" Tony asked.

"No. Tony Stark, I got over hating you a long time ago," Pepper said, smiling.

"Great," Tony said. "How did you do it? Because I could really use a lesson on not hating myself right about now."

* * *

 

Thor was confused about a lot of things. He was always a little confused with these earthling dynamics, but today had brought lots of new questions.

Were Peter and Wanda dating? He had not heard of this. Wanda seemed to think they were and Peter said that he didn't think they were. Relationships were confusing. Still, Thor felt a little guilty that he had unintentionally made Wanda feel bad. He knocked on Wanda's door three times.

"Wanda may I speak with you?" Thor asked.

Wanda opened the door. "What do you want, Thor?" She looked tired and not particularly thrilled to see him but she didn't seem like she was going to turn him away.

"I was hoping you could explain some things to me," Thor said.

Wanda sighed. "Come in." She motioned to the chair by her desk for him to have a seat. She sat on her bed. "What do you want explained?"

"I wondered what was going on with you and Peter, for one thing," Thor said.

"I wish I knew," Wanda said. "I thought we were a thing, but I don't know. I think he's mad at me. I mean... I got to thinking. He slept with you before Peter and I..." She paused to try to choose her words carefully. "Hooked up. So, I guess I shouldn't be too mad at him, right?"

"Right," Thor said, enthusiastically. He hated to see his friends mad at each other.

"But we kind of had an outburst earlier at the STD meeting," Wanda said.

"Go to him," Thor said. "Talk to him."

"Do you think so?" Wanda asked.

"You love him, yes?" Thor asked.

Wanda looked surprised at this. "I mean... yes, but..."

"Then go talk to him," Thor said.

* * *

Bucky and Peter were sitting on the couch together because they were hiding their shame and didn't want to talk to anyone. "I did the wrong thing," Peter said confidently to Bucky.

"You did," Bucky said.

"How do I fix it?" Peter asked.

"I think you're talking to the wrong person," Bucky said. "Both Bucky and Steve are mad at me."

"Haven't you like been dating Steve for a hundred years?" Peter asked.

"How old do you think I am?" Bucky asked.

"Uhh... like at least ninety," Peter said.

"I'm a hundred," Bucky admitted. "But I wasn't even conscious for a good part of that. And we weren't dating..." But he didn't look so confident about it. "Oh, God. Peter, I think I've been dating Steve since 1942."

"That's a long time," Peter said. "To not know you were dating somebody."

"I fucked up," Bucky said.

"Maybe you should beg for forgiveness," Peter suggested.

"From Steve?" Bucky asked. "What about Sam?"

"What about Sam?" Peter said. "You like Steve, right? I mean you've been dating for seventy-six years."

"Oh, God," Bucky said.

 


	6. Chapter Six

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wanda decides to make up with Peter even though he's a weirdo that likes to climb walls and hang from the ceiling.

 Wanda had decided to make up with Peter. Or at least try to. Peter was probably upset with her... She had said some mean things. And he hadn't really cheated on her but... Peter had also said something about her not wanting to be his girlfriend. She wasn't sure what that meant. Did he think she didn't want to be his girlfriend or was he not interested in having a girlfriend? Maybe Thor was more his type?

Thor and Wanda went to go find Peter. Thor was there for "moral support" but right now Wanda was just jealous that he had better hair than her. How could someone that slept with Thor God of Thunder possibly want her?

They found Peter along with Bucky in the rec room. It was a massive room with many couches and a few pool tables as well as a foosball table. They had had parties here, but this did not seem like a time for partying. Bucky was seemingly having a panic attack.

"I screwed everything up," Bucky said. "Oh my God. What am I going to do?" He was pacing the room quickly and it looked menacing to Wanda.

Peter was literally climbing the walls. Out of anxiety maybe? Or maybe he just liked to do those weird spider things.

"Hello, Peter Parker," Thor said formally.

Peter fell from the ceiling. "Ow! Oh, hi." He got up off the floor and sat on the couch like a regular person. Bucky was still pacing and mumbling to himself something about how "he didn't know."

"Are you okay?" Wanda asked sitting beside him.

"Yeah, I'm fine. I fall from the ceiling all the time," he assured her. She wondered why he would continue to climb the ceiling if this was a routine occurrence but didn't want to mention that right now and start a fight.

"I came to talk to you," Wanda said.

Peter was nervously fidgeting with his hands in his lap and Wanda held them, partially to hold them still but also to comfort him.

"I'm sorry I swore at you," Wanda said.

"It's okay," Peter said. He was once again blushing. A nice shade of Scarlet, Wanda noticed. "I'm sorry I said... Like mostly everything I've ever said."

"It's okay," Wanda said. "I'm not mad anymore."

"You're not?" Peter asked, clearly surprised.

"No, I'm not. But I wanted to talk to you about what you said earlier. You said I didn't want to be your girlfriend?" Wanda said.

"Did I say that?" Peter asked.

"I'm pretty sure you said this," Thor added helpfully.

"Well... is it true?" Peter asked.

"It's not true. I would like to be your girlfriend Peter Parker. But you're not allowed to sleep with Thor anymore," Wanda said.

"I would like that. I'm not always good at picking up social cues. You have to tell me these things explicitly," Peter said.

"I explicitly want to be your girlfriend," Wanda said.

"Remember we are not supposed to have sexual intercourse for sixty days," Thor reminded them, helpfully.

"Since you gave him a disease," Wanda said, glaring at Thor. She was mostly just grumpy because she had forgotten that part and sixty days was quite a long time.

Bucky paused his weird pacing and muttering to himself. "Thor... You got it from Bruce?"

"This is what he has told me," Thor said. "He is the doctor."

"Dr. Love?" Bucky suggested.

"No Dr. Banner," Thor said, not picking up on the joke.

"Are you like a thing with Bruce?" Wanda asked.

"A thing?" Thor asked. "What do you mean?"

"Like a couple," Peter said.

Thor seemed confused. "He's my friend. From work."

"That you boned," Bucky added.

"No," Wanda said. "Bruce boned him."

"Right," Bucky said. "I forgot Thor was a bottom."

"What's a bottom?" Thor asked.

"Maybe you should go ask Bruce for some lessons in Sex Ed," Peter quipped.

"This is a good idea," Thor said.

"That wasn't actually serious advice... but yeah, maybe you could use it," Peter said.

"Are we talking hands on Sex Ed or like sitting him down and explaining to him how shit works?" Bucky asked.

"I mean... the second but I guess it could go either way," Peter said.

That was when Rhodey, Sam, and Steve all barged in through the door.

"Listen up, you little shits," Rhodey said.

"Oh no," Wanda said.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An interesting new couple emerges and makes out on the pool table.

Everyone had expected Rhodey to say something controversial because usually he only called people little shits when he was angry. But today he was announcing that the party had begun.

Peter personally thought that they had must have been partying for quite some time before joining the group. Rhodey was the least drunk of all of them surprisingly enough. Peter didn't even know Steve could get drunk, but he obviously was impaired. He hadn't been sure at first, but when Sam and Steve started making out on top of the pool table Peter thought that was probably a good indicator that Captain America was wasted.

"What the heck is happening?" Peter whispered to Wanda.

"Everyone lost their minds?" Wanda guessed.

Bucky had sat down on one of the couches and was very obviously staring at Sam and Steve, who didn't seem to notice anyone else was in the room. Peter really hoped they weren't going to hook up on the pool table. That would definitely ruin the felt.

Thor happily joined in the drinking. Soon Clint, Natasha, Tony, and Pepper joined the "party." Peter didn't think he wanted to drink so he just sat on the couch cuddling and gossiping with Wanda.

"Do you think Dr. Banner has a crush on Thor?" Peter asked her.

"Does Dr. Banner have feelings?" Wanda asked.

"Yeah, I'm pretty sure he feels it burning when he pees," Peter said.

"I don't think that's supposed to happen," Wanda said.

Sam and Steve finally stopped making out and we're sitting on the pool table now, Sam laughing like he had heard the funniest joke and Steve just generally looking out of it.

"I see you found the Super Soldier alcohol," Tony said, walking up to Steve. "Make good decisions, Steve."

"I think it's a little late for that," Steve said. "I mean, we're all infected, aren't we?"

'Yeah... sorry about that," Tony said.

Natasha sat next to Bucky. "You okay, bud?"

"Fabulous," Bucky said.

"It'll be okay," Natasha said. "You have other options."

"What?" Bucky asked. "What are you talking about?"

"I hear Thor's always open for business," Natasha said with a smirk.

"I hear he's asking Bruce for Sex Ed lessons," Bucky said, happy to change the topic from himself.

Thor was chatting Bruce up in the corner. Bruce was holding a single beer can that he had not drank from. Thor had pounded back several, although it affected his god body less than some of the other humans in the group. "Bruce Banner, may I ask you a question?" Thor said.

"Uh... yeah. What's up?" Bruce said. He seemed pretty embarrassed.

"Peter suggested I take lessons on sexual education from you," Thor said.

Bruce looked incredibly confused for a few seconds. "That's not a question. And I think he was probably making fun of you."

"I did not know what an STD was before today," Thor said. "He said you as a doctor would be able to tell me some helpful information."

"Oh,' Bruce said. "That's... actually a decent point. Do you know about condoms and birth control and all that?"

"Ah, yes," Thor said. "The cock sheath."

"The what?" Bruce said. "I mean, I guess. But it's kind of just a rubber you put on so that you hopefully don't contract diseases or get anyone pregnant. But I don't think you'll have the second problem personally. Do you uh, want to go a little more private?"

"Yes," Thor said. "I would like that."


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky gets a hold of the Super Soldier Booze and Bruce takes Thor somewhere more private for a Sex Ed lesson.

Bucky could not believe this was happening to him. Sam and Steve. On the motherfucking pool table. They were practically having sex right in front of him. Okay, so they weren't but this was like the sluttiest Bucky had ever seen Steve act and he was frankly shocked and appalled. Either that or just really jealous. He wasn't sure which. Jealous of Sam? Jealous of Steve? He wasn't even sure at this point. He was just upset and felt betrayed by both of them although logically he knew he had no real reason to feel this way. He had slept with them both and hurt their feelings and then they kissed. So what.

It was only a kiss.

But now Sam was touching Steve's chest and Bucky's stomach was sick. He tried not to look at them, but his eyes kept wandering. He heard Tony mention the Super Soldier Booze. "Hey, Tony?" he asked. "Do you have any more of that Super Solider Booze?"

"I don't know," Tony said. "Did you let Steve drink it all?" he asked Rhodey.

Rhodey shrugged. "Not all of it."

"You're supposed to be the responsible adult," Tony said.

Rhodey started laughing. "That's really cute, Tony. Blame it on me. Classic."

"What?" Tony asked. "What are you talking about? I just meant that you were the one I trusted not to get shitfaced and make mistakes."

"I have to be responsible because you don't want to be," Rhodey said. "Is that it?"

"No. Well. Maybe?" Tony asked. He seemed to be genuinely thinking about it.

"There's a bit more," Sam said holding up the weird orange looking liquid that was apparently Super Soldier Booze. It still had almost half a bottle full.

"Give me that," Bucky said.

 

* * *

 

Bruce couldn't believe he was doing this, but he had taken Thor back to his office and brought out some pamphlets and was going to explain to him about STDs and birth control and all that other fun stuff. Bruce felt terribly guilty. If he had been more careful... then Thor wouldn't be in this situation. And neither would Peter or Wanda. But Thor hadn't even known it was a possibility and Bruce felt awful about that.

"Is there anything specific you wanted to know?" Bruce asked.

"Yes," Thor said. "What is a bottom?"

"Uh... bottom means the person who is receiving rather than penetrating," Bruce said.

"Oh. I'm a bottom," Thor said.

"It would seem that way, yes," Bruce said. "Listen, Thor. I'm really sorry. I shouldn't have... I mean... I should have used a condom."

"A cock sheath," Thor said.

"You know what? Cock sheath is kind of sexier than the word condom. I may start calling them that," Bruce said.

"Bucky asked if you and I were a couple." Thor said. "Romantically."

"I guess we haven't talked about that," Bruce said. "I like you Thor. But I'm not very good at dating. Or relationships."

"You're my friend," Thor said thoughtfully.

"Did you want it to be something more than that?" Bruce asked.

"What would that entail?" Thor asked.

Bruce wondered that himself. He didn't really know how relationships worked. The chance of him hulking out at any time made him not want to ever have a relationship. But... he thought that maybe if anyone could handle that side of him, it would be Thor. Thor was the strongest person he knew in more ways than one. "I'm not sure. Kissing maybe." He didn't really picture them going on dates to fancy dinners or the movies. Bruce didn't like going out much anyway.

"Kissing. Yes. Good," Thor said. "May I kiss you now?"

"Yes, I think that would be okay," Bruce said.

Thor leaned down and Bruce reached up for their mouths to meet.

_Dammit_ , Bruce thought to himself. _How are we going to wait sixty days?_


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rhodey decides it's time for The Roast of Tony Stark, but Tony didn't expect the tea to be quite that hot.

Tony was beginning to regret inventing the Super Soldier Booze. Not that he had perfected it or said it was okay to drink, or even tested it yet but that didn't stop Steve and Bucky getting their hands on it. Tony thought it would be fun to see Steve drunk, but honestly making out with Sam on the pool table was probably a choice that Steve would regret in the morning. And what was the deal with Sam? Had he drank some too? He seemed a little more than just whiskey drunk. Rhodey was drunk, which Tony had seen before. Generally, it just meant he would talk shit that was mostly well deserved. Maybe it was the group dynamics making everyone crazy.

Or what if it was the STD?

Tony made a mental note to ask Bruce about this later. Where was Bruce anyway?

Bruce was suspiciously missing and so was Thor, but Tony didn't have time to worry about that. Rhodey had decided that it was time for the unofficial roast of Tony Stark. Tony wondered if he could make a profit having an official roast of him with famous comedians on the comedy network. Besides, they would probably have less scathing things than the Avengers.

"Peter, why don't you go ahead and start?" Rhodey asked.

"Uh... okay," Peter said. He clearly didn't know how roasts worked. "Remember that one time Tony Stark had sex with an alien and then gave us all an STD?"

It didn't matter that his joke was not well thought out. Everyone was laughing like it was the funniest thing they had ever heard. Tony was never going to live this down. But they had the STD too so how funny was it really?

"Remember how it burns when Peter pees?" Tony countered.

"Yeah, because you gave him an STD," Steve said with a snort.

"Okay, to be clear I never slept with Peter it was a very long an unfortunate chain of events..." Tony said.

Bucky was drinking in the corner and Tony was low key worried about what was going to happen when the drink hit him. If it affected him anywhere near as much as it affected Steve, they might have a full blown riot on their hands.

"Remember that time that Tony cheated on Pepper with Rhodey?" Sam asked.

"I don't think you guys know how a roast works," Tony said. "You have to make jokes, you don't just state facts."

"Your life is enough of a joke when you just say what happens," Sam said.

"Wait... I want to try," Wanda said. "Okay, remember when Pepper dumped Tony and Rhodey is mad at Tony and also the space alien that Tony slept with is also probably mad at Tony?"

"The alien isn't mad," Tony said. "She was up for anything. She knew it was casual."

"Remember how every decision Tony makes is a bad one?" Pepper said. She had her arms crossed, but she was smirking.

"Okay, very funny guys," Tony said. He felt ganged up on, but at the same time no one really had any good material so he was trying to get over it.

"What was it about the alien?" Sam asked. "Did she have three boobs like in Total Recall?"

"She was fun," Tony said defensively. "And she had a name. It was Destiny."

"Of course it was," Natasha said.

"So are you like in love with an alien, now?" Sam asked.

"No," Tony said. "I just make a lot of poor decisions."

"Have you ever loved anyone in your entire life? Or are you incapable of such a complex emotion?" Rhodey asked.

"Whoa, I feel like things just got really serious," Peter said.

"Yeah, it's pretty uncomfortable," Wanda said.

"Okay guys. I'd love to say this has been fun, but it really hasn't. I don't like being the most sober person at the party. The Roast of Tony Stark is officially over."

He walked out.

"Psst..." Wanda said. "Rhodey, I think you went too far."

 


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peter makes waffles (or something resembling them) for the very hungover and emotional Avengers.

Peter had woken up fairly early (ten am seemed plenty early to him) and had made waffles. He had only intended to make waffles for Wanda and maybe himself but everyone seemed to be coming into the kitchen hungover and a mess and he ended up making them for everyone. Wanda and Thor seemed to be in a good mood. Bruce was pretty quiet but he didn't look sick like a lot of the other people. Steve, Bucky, and Sam had the worst of it. Rhodey didn't look too hot either. Nat was eating an enormous amount and Clint didn't seem to be eating anything, although he had made Peter make food for him. Pepper ate her food silently. Only Tony was nowhere to be seen.

"I feel awful," Sam said.

"Then maybe you shouldn't use that much syrup," Bucky pointed out.

Sam just scowled at him.

"I don't think I can eat," Steve admitted. Peter had made him a single waffle when he said he wasn't hungry. Eventually, he made some for himself and went and sat beside Wanda.

"These are good," Wanda said.

"Really?" Peter asked.

"No," Wanda said. "But you're getting better and I wanted to encourage you."

"They're okay," Bruce said.

"I like them!" Thor said. Although it was unclear if he could taste the actual waffles underneath the mountain of syrup. He bore a striking resemblance to Buddy the Elf at that moment.

"So did the plan work?" Rhodey asked Sam.

"I don't know," Sam said. "I don't really remember much of last night."

"What plan?" Pepper asked.

"Steve and Sam we going to make out to make Bucky jealous," Rhodey explained. "In my defense, it seemed like a good idea at the time. Did it work Bucky?"

"Work how?" Bucky asked. "If you wanted to make me feel awkward and sad, congratulations goal accomplished."

"And you did the same for Tony," Pepper added, although she didn't make eye contact with Rhodey.

"Listen, Steve," Bucky started to say. "I'm sorry. I didn't know we were dating and then Peter and I were talking and I realized that I have been dating you since 1942."

"1941," Steve corrected.

"Right," Bucky said. "So, like are we still dating?"

Steve looked at Sam and Rhodey. Rhodey shrugged and Sam shook his head vehemently. "Okay, I guess," Steve told Bucky. "But you're not allowed to sleep with Sam anymore."

"Then neither are you," Bucky said.

"What if it was like a group thing?" Peter asked. "Is that allowed?" Everyone just stared at him for a moment. "Okay, I'll mind my own business," Peter said.

"No sleeping with anybody else," Steve confirmed.

"Okay, deal," Bucky said.

"It is fifty-nine days until you are allowed to have sex," Thor added helpfully.

"Is sex all you people ever think about?" Pepper asked.

"I also think about food," Clint said.

"You haven't touched your food," Pepper said.

"I don't think this counts as food," Clint said.

"He tried his best," Wanda said.

"Okay, if everyone is going to insult my breakfast then maybe someone else could make breakfast next time," Peter said.

"I didn't insult you, sweetie," Wanda said.

"Sweetie," Clint repeated. "She called you sweetie."

Peter blushed a bright red and couldn't help but think the Avengers were going to not let that one slide.


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Natasha convinces Rhodey to talk to Tony about his feelings while she plots to ask Pepper out.

Rhodey didn't really think he had drunk that much last night. It turned out he had been wrong. He was actually just a little less drunk than Sam and Steve, who hadn't been affected by alcohol for decades and had made a mess of himself.

Well, it seemed to work out fine for Steve. Steve and Bucky were back together, and they had agreed to exclusivity. Was Rhodey bitter? Maybe a little. A little bit mad at Bucky for putting his friends' Sam and Steve into that situation. Mad at Tony for being... well Tony. And mad at himself. Mostly mad at himself. That he had let himself fall for Tony Stark when he knew exactly what the deal was. He could blame Tony all he wanted, but he couldn't make Tony reciprocate those feelings. And he had known the whole time. Tony had never misled him.  
Tony was his friend, and Rhodey had been treating him terrible lately.  
  
Rhodey was in the study, a book in front of him as he pretended to read but his head hurt far too much for that. Mostly he was stewing in his own misery when Natasha entered. She took a seat on the desk rather than in a chair. "Hey, buddy," she said.  
  
"Hello, Nat," Rhodey said.

"How are you feeling?" she asked. "You look like you have a bitch of a hangover."  
  
"I do," Rhodey said. "But I'm thinking I should apologize to Tony and that's giving me more of a headache than anything."  
  
"Wow," Natasha said. "Has anyone ever actually apologized to Tony?" she mused. "I thought he was always the one doing the apologizing. I thought you were harsh but fair."  
  
"He never lied to me," Rhodey said. "He never led me on. I can't be mad at him for not feeling the same way."  
  
"Do you know he doesn't feel the same way?" Natasha asked. "You know since everyone got infected with this STD a lot of relationships have been built on this foundation of telling the truth. Maybe it's a good place to start."  
  
"That sounds like reasonable advice for a reasonable person," Rhodey said. "But Tony isn't a reasonable person."  
  
"But you are," Natasha said. "So you have to be the normal one to compensate for him. Maybe that's why you were mad at him."

"He is who he is," Rhodey said. "I don't know what to say to him."

"How about, sorry I yelled at you I was really drunk?" Natasha tried.  
  
"That might work," Rhodey said. "Apologizing without really accepting blame or talking about feelings. He'll like that."  
  
"So..." Natasha said. "Do you think now that Pepper is single she's fair game?"  
  
"Pepper is single?" Rhodey asked.  
  
"Yeah, don't you remember yesterday?" Natasha said. "She and Tony broke up. Apparently, it was mutual and neither of them has hard feelings, is the rumor."  
  
"Well.... if there are no hard feelings," Rhodey shrugged. "I'll go apologize to Tony if you go ask Pepper out."  
  
"You got a deal," she said, shaking his hand.

Rhodey really didn't like the idea of apologizing to Tony. He wasn't sure why. He was pretty sure he had crossed the line last night and at breakfast this morning. But he still had hurt feelings. All kinds of hurt feelings. Rhodey was supposed to be the responsible one. And he had let that go, for a minute and look at where it got him.  
  
Tony was in the liquor cabinet when Rhodey found him. "It turns out I still have some left, not that you and Wilson didn't drink up half of it yourselves last night."

"I didn't have that much," Rhodey said. "I'm just a lightweight."  
  
Tony chuckled at that. "I figured I deserved a drink. Everyone else got drunk last night, it can be my turn again."  
  
"You were the responsible one," Rhodey noted.  
  
"I was," Tony said. "I gotta tell you, not a fan. It's hard work. How do you do it all the time?"  
  
"I came to tell you I'm sorry I yelled at you and was an ass," Rhodey said.  
  
Tony nodded. He was wearing his shades indoors. Rhodey knew he did that sometimes so that people couldn't examine his expressions or see his emotions. "Thank you. I'm sorry, too."  
  
"Sorry about what?" Rhodey asked. "You don't need to be sorry."  
  
"For being a drunk ass the other nights, I guess," Tony said. "About what happened between us..."  
  
"You mean you're sorry we slept together?" Rhodey asked, trying to hide his disappointment.  
  
"No, I mean I'm sorry I cheated on Pepper and gave you an STD and stuff," Tony said.  
  
"Well, we all make mistakes," Rhodey said. "Apology accepted." He knew it was hard for Tony to admit to being wrong ever and his apology meant a lot. "Friends?"  
  
"Friends?" Tony asked. "Is that what you want?"  
  
"Is it what you want?" Rhodey asked.  
  
"No fair," Tony complained. "I asked you first."  
  
"I would like friends," Rhodey said. "I could live with friends. But...." He wasn't sure exactly how to say it. "More than friends might be okay, too."  
  
Tony seemed to think about it for a moment. He took off his shades. "I guess if you wanted to, we could like, date or whatever."  
  
"We could," Rhodey said.  
  
"Okay," Tony said. "We should do that."  
  
"Okay," Rhodey said. "So we're in a relationship."  
  
"Yes," Tony said. "You're my boyfriend."

"Yes," Rhodey said.  
  
"Should I kiss you?" Tony asked.  
  
"I would be offended if you didn't," Rhodey said.  
  
It seemed like forever, they moved closer to each other slowly. They lingered close before either of them was bold enough to make a move. This was crazy. They had slept together. Why were they nervous now? Finally, their lips met. It was strangely anticlimactic. But it was nice. It was comfortable and safe and Rhodey had never felt closer to Tony than he did in that moment.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Femslash February! This chapter is Femslash but I also have some more Femslash stories planned this month so stayed tuned.

Pepper was exhausted. A lot had been happening and Avenger’s Tower in the past few days and none of it was work related. Everyone was dealing with their drama that they had been avoiding dealing with a long time. Pepper had done some of that. She had said goodbye to Tony, or at least their relationship. Everyone had seemed to forgotten that she had slept with Natasha. Everyone, except Pepper herself.

She wondered if she should say something to Nat. Not that it mattered. It had been a quick hookup. There hadn’t been any feelings involved. Natasha had hooked up with Sam and Clint, too. Apparently she wasn’t very picky.

Pepper was at her desk trying to deal with the business side of Stark Industries. Tony so often forgot to deal with important administration things that he deemed boring. So, he stuck Pepper with all the paperwork and red tape.

“Hello,” Natasha said.

Pepper was startled. She hadn’t heard Nat come up. Had she been that distracted? Or was the ex-assassin really just that quiet?

“Hey, Natasha,” Pepper said, trying to pretend like she hadn’t been caught off guard.

“Did I scare you?” Natasha asked, a smirk on her dark red lips.

“Of course not,” Pepper said, though she was clearly flustered. “I’m not afraid of you, Natasha.”

“Then how come you’ve been avoiding me?” Natasha asked, sitting on the edge of Pepper’s desk.

“I haven’t been avoiding you,” Pepper said, lying through her teeth. “I’ve just been busy…”

“Are you mad at me?” Natasha asked.

“No,” Pepper said, surprised. “Why would you think that?”

“I don’t know. Things have been different between us since we hooked up,” Natasha said.

“I felt guilty,” Pepper admitted. “About cheating on Tony.”

“I don’t think that you really need to worry about that anymore,” Natasha noted. “I mean you’re kind of even, right? And he doesn’t seem all broken up over it, no offence.”

“That’s okay,” Pepper said. “That actually makes me feel a little better.”

“I came to ask you on a formal date,” Natasha announced.

“Formal?” Pepper asked. “How formal are we talking? Do I need a new dress?”

“No, I just meant like… officially,” Natasha said. “I like you and now that you’re single…” She shrugged.

“Yeah, we could do that,” Pepper said, smiling.

“I’ll pick you up at 8,” Natasha said. “Don’t wear a dress… You’ll want pants for this one.”

“Am I allowed to know what we’re doing?” Pepper asked.

“You’ll find out,” Nat said sweetly.


End file.
